Lois Lavrisa - LATE BLOOMER

Late Bloomer

You would think that by your early forties you would be a “grown-up”. Those grown-ups have it all together. Grown-ups are mature, hard working, responsible, people who are confidant in who they are and know exactly what to do next in their life. Not me. At forty-four years old, I believe I have not even hit my stride, found my way, or in the least bit “grown-up” yet.

Yet, I have all the trappings of a grown –up: a house complete with a good-sized mortgage and second vacation home, albeit with an even bigger mortgage. I have the soccer mom mini van. . And of course, last but not least, I have been married for twenty years and have four children ages ten through eighteen years old.

I have a job, as a freelance writer, go on dozens of field trips, and transport my children to countless activities. I volunteer at my children’s school, church, and help out neighbors. At least once in a while, I call home to check on my mother back in Illinois. I remember relatives and friend’s birthdays and anniversaries. I plan parties, and host countless dinners at our house. I pay bills, balance checkbooks, do my taxes, cook, clean house, take care of two cats. See, all the markings of what I feel a grown-up should have. So you get the idea. I am by all means a grown-up.

Then how come I wake up most mornings wondering how I got here? I don’t feel at all grown –up, pulled together or in control. Knowing exactly and confidently what comes next. Isn’t that what grown-ups are? I was led to believe that you reach and age where you just competently and confidently go through life and make the right decisions. Your life hits its stride.

Some days I feel like I have it all together, that I have found my stride. The day goes by well, and I feel good about my choices, and actions. All is smooth and running well. Competent and Confident. But let me be perfectly honest with you, those days are few and far between.

Most days I wake up and hit the ground running. I get the daily chores started as well as getting four very sleepy and uncooperative children dressed, fed and off to school. I lose control. I raise my voice. I occasionally have an adult temper tantrum. Instinctively, I know I should just calm down, take a step back and take a deep breath. I should act like a grown up would by being in control. Not getting ruffled by kids being kids. Yes Dr. Phil, I am sure would have a lot of great advice of how I could do much better as a grown-up.

I continually try to better myself. I work on learning as much as I could to make myself a better person. Believe me, I am nowhere close to what I would like to be. Nonetheless I continue to try.

My house is full of books about simplifying my life, getting in touch with the real me, raising great children, how to have a great marriage, being a great friend, and how to be smart about money. I am sure I have enough motivational tapes and books to last a lifetime. Yet, I still feel like a mess.

Then a thought occurred to me; maybe I am a late bloomer. Perhaps I will hit my stride much later that other grown-ups do. You know, maybe I am just a decade or so behind the average age of a grown-up.

One day it will just happen, I will wake up and feel differently. I will feel completely at peace with my life and all the decisions I have made, and know confidently that I will make all the right ones ahead of me. I will be competent. I will be confident. Mature and wise. I will attain the status of being "All grown up."

Or maybe, there is no such level of life as a grown-up. Maybe one never finishes the growing process. We keep getting pruned. We grow new sprouts; we bloom, and then lose our petals. We sometimes lay dormant, just to grow anew again in the right season. It is continuous process. A process of growing up that we never finish while we are alive.

Perhaps, we should just rejoice at the growing process. Enjoy the fertile waves of growth. See each day as another growth opportunity, rather than wondering why we don’t have it all figured out yet. I guess that we can see the cup as half full or half empty. The same analogy could be made by how we feel about or place in the grown-up life. We could see ourselves as still growing and blooming- or we could see ourselves as bloomed and grown-up.

I do take deep breaths, and manage to be in control. Sometimes I still raise my voice to get the attention of four healthy rambunctious children. I am finally confidant to say that I am a late bloomer and will continue to grow and may never reach the status of all grown-up. I am perfectly happy with that.

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